Knowing about attachment styles can change everything when you are dating. It can make the whole process a lot less frustrating.
You know how when you’re dating, it seems like so many people keep a distance and fear commitment?
It can start to feel like this attitude/behavior is the norm.
That’s actually not the case, but there’s a good explanation for why it feels this way. It may change your perspective.
Dating & Intimacy Styles
Adults tend to fall into one of three main “attachment styles.” These are ways people view and react to intimacy in romantic relationships.
Securely attached folks are comfortable with intimacy, and are warm and loving.
Anxiously attached people crave intimacy, and they tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. They tend to get preoccupied with their relationships.
Avoidantly attached folks try to keep closeness to a minimum. For them, intimacy feels like a loss of independence.
So here’s why, when you’re dating, it seems like so many people don’t want to commit.
Why Does It Seem Like No One Can Commit?
Though only about 25% of the general population are avoidantly attached, they much up a much higher proportion of the dating pool.
Why? They’re more likely to be single for a variety of reasons.
They’re less likely to enter a committed relationship in the first place. They end relationships more frequently. And since they tend to hold back loving emotions, they usually get over breakups quickly and start dating again sooner.
If you are looking for a loving, committed relationship, the trick is to recognize avoidant attachment as soon as possible.
Signs You’re Dating Someone Who’s Avoidant
Here are some signs that you are dating someone who’s avoidant:
– Sending mixed messages about their interest in/commitment to you
Here are some classic examples of this: Extremely long delays between communication (like taking a day or more to respond to a simple text). Flakiness on plans. Feeling like the two of you are starting to get closer, then feeling the person start to pull away.
– Talks about wanting an “ideal” relationship, but hints that it won’t be with you
– Doesn’t consider your emotional well-being
– Invalidates your feelings by saying you are “too needy,” “overeacting, or “sensitive”
– Responds to your concerns by addressing the “facts,” without considering your feelings (as if it were a trial in court)
– Doesn’t seem to take in your messages about your needs
How Do We Find Healthy Relationships?
We are taught that the socially acceptable way to date is to be cool and keep our distance, so we won’t seem too needy. It’s definitely healthy and valuable to have independence. But healthy relationships also involve connection, closeness, and interdependence.
So how to do you find a partner who meets your needs?
You show up as your true self, right from the start.
What? Yeah.
You honestly express what you want and need in a relationship, and you allow space for the other person to express their needs as well.
When you do this, you get to the truth about your compatibility quickly, rather than slogging it out over weeks, months, or even years.
You may have different needs for closeness than the person you’re dating does. That isn’t necessarily a problem in and of itself. It can be workable if you have really good communication about what each of you need, and are able to connect in a way that feels good for both of you.
Not everyone fears commitment, but avoidantly attached people do. There are securely attached people in the dating pool, too. It just might take a little longer to find them.
Many of these insights come from one of my favorite books, Attached, by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. If you are curious to learn more about attachment, dating, and relationships, I highly recommend it.
And if you’d like more personalized support with navigating dating and relationships, I’d love to help. Call me at 805-664-1177 or send me a message to schedule a free phone consultation.