The holidays always seem to stir up emotions in my clients. Let’s be honest, spending time with family can be difficult.
We can unconsciously slip back into acting like an earlier version of ourselves, and our family members can do the same. A person who feels like a capable adult in daily life can feel vulnerable and out of control when they are with family. It’s an odd experience.
Conflicting needs can have you feeling like you’re being pulled in multiple directions.
Grief can also come up as we notice the absence of those who are no longer physically present in our lives. Or when we notice that our family of origin doesn’t meet our needs in some way.
So what do YOU need to survive the holidays? The answer will be different for everyone, but here are some ways to think about sorting that out.
Step One: Get really clear about what you need to feel as good, whole, and safe as possible during the holidays.
Maybe this means intentionally making the time and effort to connect with the people you feel closest with. You may want to create a ritual to honor and remember loved ones who are not physically present.
It might mean saying no to attending certain events. Or taking some time to be alone/do your own thing when you are with family. It could mean setting limits around how long you stay somewhere, or whether or not you visit at all.
Step Two: Try to find some acceptance around the fact that you will not make all of the people happy all of the time.
The holidays typically involve compromise, especially when you are juggling visiting multiple families. You honoring your needs might make others feel upset. I know that is uncomfortable, but you can build your ability to tolerate that experience. It is not your responsibility to manage others’ feelings.
Step Three: Think about the qualities within yourself that you would like to summon during the holidays.
Maybe you want to be able to be patient when you have to compromise to accommodate others’ conflicting needs. You may want to be able to summon the courage to speak up when someone says something that offends you. Maybe you want to tap into the strong rational part of yourself that knows you don’t need to spend beyond your means in order to be loved.
Know that these qualities are within you and that you can summon them when needed.
Step Four: Treat your mind and body right.
Is there any healthy practice that you already know helps to lower your stress? Something like exercise, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, or talking to a friend? It can be helpful to intentionally schedule in some time for these activities.
Nourish your body with whole foods like vegetables, fruits, slow digesting carbs, protein, and healthy fats. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the pumpkin pie or one of the 1,534 different kinds of holiday cookies. Just try to get the other stuff in the mix too.
Step Five: Check in with yourself often on how you are feeling.
Notice how your plan is working out for you, and be open to changing course or adding in more self-care if needed.
If you would like some additional support around surviving the holidays, therapy can help. I welcome you to call me for a free consultation at 805-664-1177.